The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism
How the Pursuit of Flawlessness Affects Us and Those We Love
As high-achievers, we’re often celebrated for our perfectionist tendencies. The meticulous attention to detail. The unwavering standards. The ability to spot—and correct—even the smallest flaw in a presentation, strategy, or execution plan.
But perfectionism has a shadow side that rarely makes it into our LinkedIn profiles or company bios. I recently had a wake-up call about how my own perfectionism was affecting not just me, but my family. As my children faced important life transitions, I recognized something unsettling: the relentless standards I’d internalized throughout my career had silently become expectations they felt they needed to meet.
This realization sent me down a path of reflection about perfectionism’s true cost—both professionally and personally. Today, I’m sharing what I’ve learned in hopes it might help you recognize and release some of the unnecessary pressure you might be carrying too.
When Celebration Becomes Pressure
When we achieve significant milestones in our careers—taking a company public, receiving industry recognition, landing a major deal—we naturally want to share these moments with our families. We want them to witness what’s possible when you pour yourself into your passion.
What I didn’t fully appreciate until recently was how these celebrations, despite our best intentions, can create unintended pressure for our children. Rather than feeling inspired, they might feel a weight of expectation—wondering if they’re supposed to achieve something of similar magnitude, if our accomplishments have somehow set the baseline for their success.
This insight fundamentally changed how I frame my professional achievements at home. While I continue to pursue excellence and share my journey, I’m now intentional about separating my path from my children’s expectations. I emphasize that their success will look different from mine—and that’s exactly as it should be.
The “One Shot” Myth
Women leaders and those of us from marginalized backgrounds have been conditioned to believe we must be twice as good to get half the credit. We internalize the pressure that we get just “one shot,” one time at bat, to hit a grand slam.
I was mentoring a superstar female C-level executive of a public company who told me, “I only have one shot at this.”
“That’s simply not true,” I told her. “People will want to work with you again and again.”
She had countless opportunities, projects, and roles. And yet she approached each one as if her entire professional worth hung in the balance. Even with a career full of wins, she felt compelled to win every single match to prove her value.
This mindset is not only exhausting—it’s inaccurate. A successful season doesn’t require winning every game. And perpetuating this myth does a disservice to ourselves and to the next generation of leaders watching us.
The Shame Spiral
The perfectionism trap often leads to what I call the “shame spiral”—that critical downward mental pattern that’s difficult to escape once it begins.
It’s the voice that catastrophizes small mistakes. Forget to bring milk home from the store? “What was I thinking? Why can’t I keep everything together?” Meanwhile, others might shrug it off without a second thought.
This internal dialogue is particularly damaging because it happens beneath the surface. We maintain composed exteriors while battling brutal self-criticism internally. The gap between how we present and how we feel creates its own stress—a performance of perfection that we can never truly sustain.
Breaking Free: Self-Compassion as the Antidote
In my journey away from perfectionism, self-compassion has been the most powerful tool. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion—not self-criticism—leads to greater achievement and well-being.
Self-compassion isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s about approaching yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend or colleague facing a challenge. It’s recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are part of being human, not evidence of fundamental unworthiness.
For me, this practice often looks like catching my critical inner voice and asking: “Would I speak this way to my daughter if she were in this situation?” The answer is always no—and that realization helps me shift to a more balanced perspective.
The Ripple Effect of Letting Go
When we release perfectionism’s grip, we don’t just free ourselves—we create space for those around us to be authentically human too.
I’ve noticed that when I acknowledge mistakes openly or share vulnerabilities with my team, it creates psychological safety that enhances creativity and problem-solving. People become more willing to take calculated risks when they know perfectionism isn’t the measuring stick.
At home, my shift away from perfection has changed family dynamics. My children seem more willing to try new things where success isn’t guaranteed. They talk more openly about struggles instead of hiding them. And perhaps most importantly, they’re developing their own internal metrics for success rather than trying to mirror mine.
A New Relationship with Excellence
None of this means I’ve stopped pursuing excellence—quite the opposite. By releasing perfectionism, I’ve found more sustainable fuel for achievement.
Perfectionism is rooted in fear (of failure, judgment, not being “enough”). Excellence can be driven by something much healthier: purpose, curiosity, and the desire to make meaningful contributions.
When we operate from these intrinsic motivations rather than fear, the journey becomes more fulfilling and, paradoxically, we often achieve even better results—without the constant anxiety and exhaustion perfectionism demands.
Your Turn: Where to Begin
If you recognize yourself in this reflection, here are three practices that have helped me begin to loosen perfectionism’s hold:
- Track your perfectionist thoughts: For one week, notice when perfectionist thinking arises. What triggers it? What exactly does your inner critic say? Awareness is the first step toward change.
- Practice the “good enough” experiment: Choose one low-stakes area of your life to practice “good enough” rather than perfect. Notice how it feels, what fears arise, and what happens when you let go.
- Create a compassion mantra: Develop a phrase to interrupt your perfectionist thinking. Mine is: “I’m human, not superhuman. My worth isn’t tied to flawless performance.”
The journey away from perfectionism isn’t linear, and I still find myself slipping into old patterns under stress. But each time I catch myself, I’m strengthening a different muscle—one that values wholeness over flawlessness, connection over achievement, and authenticity over approval.
Our greatest gift to ourselves, our teams, and our families isn’t modeling perfection—it’s modeling wholeness. And that’s a standard worth pursuing.
What’s one area where you could experiment with letting go of perfectionism this week? I’d love to hear about your experiences.